July 7, 2010 @ 10:01pm • Text Post • Tweet this • Share on Facebook
Yes, I am still afraid
Minor confession time: I have been recently. I suppose this is nothing new, but after feeling more at ease lately than possibly ever, it was a bit of a surprise. Even more so because the last several weeks have seen such strong developments in so many different areas of life; in many ways it seems as though it was finally opening up more fully. So, why now? It’s something I’m still trying to unravel, but on the heels of the successes and strides of late, I find myself wondering how much of the anxiety and tension is coming from that old self-sabotaging part of self that wants things to stay static, finds comfort in feeling badly, and wants to hide away from the possibility of change. The probability that things will change.
The last two months have seen vast personal strides towards balance, easy fun, recording and work progress on every front, joy, first shows, heaps of positive feedback, optimism, potentially more shows, hopes of a more personal nature starting to materialize; and really all sorts dreams and hopes fading their way into present reality. It’s been quite something, and in the last few weeks it has been particularly grand. Something I’ve been waiting on for what feels like forever. So now that it’s begun to enter, why the backslide? It’s true that despite the good things, there are certain aspects of my nature that I’ve never fully conquered, and maybe lately I’ve indulged them, and their accompanying bad, limiting habits, because I’m afraid. Afraid of what? I keep asking, even though it seems fairly obvious. All of these little lessons occur to illustrate the point: My friend who keeps telling me I criticize myself far too heavily and often, a dream where my brother tells me I build problems around things, and of course, the person who knows much more than I who said I was afraid of success. All true. Tied up with other things, but so true. I’d been having a much easier of time sifting through all of it and seeing clearly, but all of the hope and success seemed to not only dredge up old fears/worries/sadness, but actively push me to turn away to a degree. Instead of seizing the momentum and continuing on, I stuck my hands in my pockets, cowered slightly and retreated. It hasn’t gone on for so long yet, but now I’m afraid that it will continue. I can’t let it. I won’t let it.
November 3, 2009 @ 6:27pm • Text Post • Tweet this • Share on Facebook
every day, find something to burn
So often, we cling steadfastly to ideas and objects that have long ceased to have a purpose. Sometimes it’s as simple as a clutter of items that eventually overload closets and cupboards, thinking one day we may still find a use for them, or that they remind us too much of times passed to be discarded. More subtly, we often keep around archaic ideas and outmoded feelings that are too much based in the past to ever be of future use. Past experiences are certainly important, but allowing them to rule at the expense of now only serves to cripple our perception of both the present moment and what is yet to come.
The reasons why we do this are legion, and sometimes even physical objects are imbibed with so much energy that they end up becoming a manifestation of what is dead and overgrown in our lives. Many times I’ve found myself unaware of how dated and useless certain things have become, allowing them to grow, obfuscating all horizons, until I can no longer tell the difference between what’s coming from now and hold over’s from before. These can range from the fairly harmless, to the totally paralyzing; but even the worst of them tend to feel comfortable. Our egos tends to make life out to be something static, imposing fixed structure on something that by its very nature is changeable. We’re often taught in a way as well that supports reality as being comprised mostly of cemented notions of ‘is’; and so we limit ourselves in these terms, and build ever-higher structures upon suspect ground.
Some of us have an easier time of it than others; but even if it’s the smallest scrap of paper, we should endeavor to rid ourselves of something each day of our lives. Relinquishing dead weight is a sacrifice made to the future, one that allows it to come in the door on its own, instead of being grudgingly invited, or shut out altogether.
October 28, 2009 @ 1:44pm • Text Post • Tweet this • Share on Facebook
stepping back
Waking up this morning was difficult. In essence it was no different from any other morning, but for some reason, I just felt more tired. I’m not a morning person generally, but this was a kind of excessive tiredness of both the physical and mental variety, which is accompanied by a little voice telling you that you need a break. It’s a beautiful, lightly rainy fall day, and something about it just says relaxed contemplation and reflection.
In general, I have trouble taking breaks. The reason is largely rooted in an outdated notion that if I lay back a little, I might not get there, or could possibly miss my ‘chance’ in some fashion. Often this translates into my ego - that little part-time fascist who talks far too much - telling me how lazy I am, and explaining that breaks mean a loss of traction. I’ve learned to tell the difference between his helpful advice and obnoxious insecurities most of the time.
There was a time when out of fear and perpetual anxiety it was hard for me to get a lot done. And then when I was able to get right into work, I would often end up forcing things to happen for fear of not being able to do them later. Needless to say, this developed into a bit of a circle and was also totally counterintuitive to doing quality work. Now I’m able to see around that pretty well, but even then I still struggle with just doing nothing.
There’s a big difference between taking a necessary step back from working, and getting distracted unconsciously because you’re secretly afraid of getting down to it. I always check myself to ensure that I’m not falling into the distracted-afraid cycle, and that taking a moment is necessary at the time, and will benefit working later. Even then, I don’t always do it.
Today my intuition and physical self are both suggesting it’s time to lay off for the day. Despite agreeing that this seem like a good idea, I’ve already spent the morning doing (necessary) administrative work, and now I’m thinking about some of the other things I could finish up this afternoon. I find myself working and researching into enough evenings, so despite my understanding, apparently I still need to grasp the notion letting things go for awhile. Today seems as good a day as any to try that on.
October 23, 2009 @ 6:05pm • Quote Post • Tweet this • Share on Facebook
The worst enemy of creativity is self-doubt
— Sylvia Plath
October 22, 2009 @ 7:41pm • Text Post • Tweet this • Share on Facebook
Yes, I’m afraid
It often feels like an impenetrable curtain, one that seems to hang itself in front of me every time I try to peer out at myself with a clear eye. Fear constantly shades us from the truth, behaving like the hammer coming down on our brightness that we encourage it to be; always chipping away the best parts of the things we most enjoy. A tight fitting swaddle that’s restrictive and strange in its comfort. It even seems like there isn’t a choice, but there is; it just doesn’t lie in the decision to be afraid, but the refusal to acknowledge being afraid as a dominating influence. Even knowing this, it can still seem impossible, daunting to the point of collapse. It makes the things we do well seem like they’re not good enough, when the reality is that they’re better than we might have imagined. It makes the future seem unachievable and distant. It’s a built-in failure design that continuously perpetuates itself.
What’s wondrous is that so often the things we fear are also those that we desire the most for ourselves in some way. Any act of creating anything is an attempt to negate this, but also often tripped up by the very thing we are trying to deny. It’s rarely failure that we’re actually afraid of, failure is easy – it is the possibility of success. The best anyone can do is to not give fears the energy to feed on, and to push forward in spite of them. Today, I was found myself back in this reoccurring cycle. The only real solution is to release all fears, spit in their faces and send them packing back down the mountain. Then gaze upward, say ‘yes!’, and continue to climb.
October 22, 2009 @ 6:22pm • Quote Post • Tweet this • Share on Facebook
Manifest your dreams before you manifest your fears.
— Saul Williams
October 22, 2009 @ 10:47am • Audio Post • Tweet this • Share on Facebook
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Grizzly Bear - Slow Life
